The Importance of Attachment Styles - And Why This Is Not All!
I find the degree to which women today are informed about attachment styles absolutely fabulous!
Gaining awareness and knowledge about attachment styles is so incredibly helpful in understanding ourselves, our partner and our relationships.
The book “Attached” is probably on its way to change the whole dating scene…where people everywhere now ask each other on the first date “What is your attachment style…?”
I truly believe this is an amazing development and it will help so many people actually get into healthier relationships than they would, if they had NOT known about attachment styles. Self awareness is so important in developing a healthy, loving relationship.
If you’re not yet aware of what attachment styles are or what yours is - here's a quick recap:
The attachment research started back in the 50’s, by observing the behaviour of small children and their caregivers in a set up where the caregiver left the baby and then came back. Depending on the baby’s response to the event, the behaviour was categorised as Secure, Anxious or Avoidant..
In love research, the knowledge about how you related to your caregiver(S) as a child, is now used and serves as a predictor of how you are going to relate to your significant other in your adult romantic love relationships.
Generally, attachment is divided into four categories. We can have elements from all of them - but usually we “belong” to one of these four:
Secure Attachment: People with this attachment style usually feel comfortable both with intimacy and independence in a relationship. “I am here and you are there, and we are we”.
Anxious Attachment: People with this style often have a high degree of fear of being abandoned and tend to seek a lot of closeness and reassurance from their partner. They need closeness to regulate their nervous system and relationship stress, and it can make them act demanding or jealous.
Avoidant Attachment: Avoidants often depend on solitude and alone time to regulate their nervous system - closeness feels threatening and foreign. They are often not in touch with their emotions and instead rely on thinking and logic.
Disorganised Attachment: This is a combination of avoidant and anxious. People with this attachment style crave the closeness and intimacy just as much as it feels scary and overwhelming. They often become unpredictable because of this and it is causing a lot of internal turmoil and distress.
There’s tons of information and tests online, and would you like to find out more about yours or your partner's attachment style - it's just a search away.
And if you listen to the experts, it’s easy to get the idea that if you only can master your attachment issues and stay away from “the wrong attachment styles”, your relationship journey will be an easy ride.
Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that this is not all…there are SO many aspects of a relationship that goes far beyond the reason of attachment.
That being said - the dynamic created because of our attachment is of course, extremely important And fascinating too.
Especially the dynamic of the anxious / avoidant couple is a very interesting and also a very common theme among the women I meet in my practice.
A brilliant question I got from one of my clients was this:
“Are all masculine energy men avoidants? It seems to me that when we describe an avoidant man it’s the same as a masculine energy man.”
My answer:
“NO. not all masculine energy men are avoidant. There are lots of secure folks too - and every now and then someone anxious among all the masculine energy men out there.”
However - a LOT of the traits of an avoidant man correlates with masculine energy.
Masculine energy is action oriented, thinking, analysing and logical energy. And all of this is what an avoidant person values - logic over emotion, thinking over feeling, action over being.
And that is why the Feminine Energy approach works SO amazingly well, for women in an anxious / avoidant couple situation!
However - a masculine energy man - regardless of his attachment style - will appreciate a woman who is carrying the emotion, who is LEADING with her feminine energy, and who gives him that space and safety to both process his feelings on his own AND giving him a safe space to find his emotions - by loving her own emotions first!
So of course the attachment style is not all. We can’t simplify life to the point where we believe our attachment styles will determine the outcome in our relationship.
We’re far more complex than that, as humans…
What I have found during my work with hundreds of women in different relationship situations, is that there is a number of different aspects we need to consider and WORK on together, for a relationship to become successful.
The following are things I have found need to be considered - even if both you and your partner are the most secure persons alive!
Values - what are you valuing in your life? Places to live, financials? Family? Kids? Basically these are things that make you happy and fulfilled. Things you absolutely want to have in your life. If he wants to live in the desert and you want to live by the sea, it will be difficult to navigate…sorts….
External environment. We all get our share of challenges in our lives - everything from being sick to losing the job to having a close one fall off. And of course we can say that avoidants or anxious people may deal with this in their specific attachment way - however, what tends to happen is that when we face major challenges in our lives - our attachment style may temporarily change! This means for example, that an avoidant man may display more “anxious” behaviour during a stressful time. And that affects the relationship - of course!
Communication skills. Everyone can learn how to communicate more effectively. Period.
Emotional Intelligence. Just because someone is anxious and maybe run by emotions, it doesn’t mean they are emotionally intelligent. Rather the opposite. And just because you have a secure attachment style, it is no guarantee that you know how to regulate all and every emotion, or that you know how to express it. Emotional intelligence is something we can DEVELOP - if we give it time, and patience.
Spiritual Depth. If you are someone with a deep spiritual practice, and you like to dive into the mysteries of life and your partner is an atheist - this will probably lead to a feeling of not understanding each other. You don’t necessarily have to have the same religion or beliefs - BUT you gotta be open to this part of humanity, which has only little to do with your attachment style….
With all that said - if you are anxious and you suspect your partner is avoidant - don’t despair.
EVERYTHING that I teach you here in my blog, in my newsletters, my programs and coaching will help you bridge the gap between you and your man regardless of your attachment style!
Even if you have a secure attachment style - the Feminine / Masculine polarity work will help you build that sacred relationship - the passion, the romance and the juice!
Because what 99% of the women I meet have in common is that we WANT that relationship that makes us feel BOTH secure, safe AND excited and thrilled!
If you have a relationship struggle right now and you are SERIOUS in solving this - whether its dating or in a relationship - book your FREE call with me NOW.
You will be amazed just how quickly you can get your relationship back on track or get your dating situation from feeling like it will never happen - to actually be a fun, spiritual practice.
Are you ready? just click the button <3