Here's Why You Keep Attracting Unavailable Men
If you keep attracting unavailable men…
That is - men who are emotionally unavailable, long distance or hung up on another woman - first of all, please know you’re not alone.
So many women share this experience!
I hear from women all the time who have started a new relationship, hoping to find the romance they dream of - only to realise that the man, again, was unavailable for that kind of love.
It hurts. It makes us question our value, our sanity and if where even lovable to begin with.
If this is you right now, I feel you. I know what it’s like to repeat a pattern of attracting the wrong men.
But - I also want to give you hope. Because when I changed this ONE THING everything changed for me and I’m now happily married to a wonderful man & father to my kids!
Over the past decade I have studied psychology, attachment theory, the Bible and feminine energy. And today I want to share one, important insight that can change EVERYTHING for you!
You see - when I finally discovered how to STOP attracting unavailable men - I met my now husband within the matter of weeks.
And the good news is that my discovery was so unbelievably simple. Just one small change - and I attracted the right man instead.
OK. So get on with it! why does this keep happening?
Why do you keep attracting unavailable men, when you know that you want a real relationship?
The biggest problem here is that there is a part of YOU that is unavailable for love.
Now I hear you protest. But yes it’s true.
“That’s not true”, you say. “I’m available. I want relationship. It’s just the MEN I attract who are unavailable!”
But the truth here is that on a deep, unconscious level, your wiring for love & romance is making you search for something that resonates with a little, unconscious piece inside of you, that is still not ready to be loved.
There is a part inside of you, that is unavailable. This part has such a strong identity and unconsciously it WANTS a man to mirror this!
So how do you know if you have this part inside?
You start by asking yourself, can I love this part? Say out loud: “I love you, part of me that is unavailable”
Does it feel weird to say that? Do you notice tension, resistance? Does it feel like a lie or impossible?
That is your clue. Because - this part inside is rejecting what you say. It doesn’t believe in love.
AND - YOU have to be ready to accept and love that part of you, to make it available.
As long as you don’t believe that the whole you, all of you, flaws and everything is lovable - then you wont be open to receive love.
The most common way this plays out for us, is through OUR CHOICES:
We KEEP choosing an unavailable man. We keep feeling attracted to unavailable men.
And when they walk into our lives, we believe that there’s so much love here, that it’s worth waiting for!
You feel all this love for him, and you’re living in the hope that he feels the same and you keep waiting for him to CHOSE YOU, when what needs to happen is for YOU to chose YOU!!
I can’t stress it enough. It’s not until you start to chose differently that you’ll see different results.
LISTEN TO THE LOVE THERAPY PODCAST HERE; TO GET DEEPER INSIGHTS IN HOW OUR UNCONSCIOUS WORKS IN LOVE
In some ways the “unavailable love” is very romantic.
There’s no doubt, in stories, sagas, novels throughout the time, this is something that draws people in. It’s a psychological phenomen.
This is the kind of love many novels describe, the unavailable toxic hero and the naive beautiful soft girl.
Jane Eyre, Rebecca, 50 shades of Gray…and many many more.
And yes…I remember just how romantic it felt.
Yet - the truth is, this kind of love is not the type of love that builds a relationship or a marriage. This is not the kind of love God intended for us when he created man and woman to become one.
Loving an unavailable man creates instead a constant Dopamine Hit.
You have all these good feelings when he actually shows up, and your system is flooded with feel good hormones. Of course it feels like a love so strong, that the fact that he is unavailable is of no importance….
But then when he withdraws, goes silent, disappears, when you see not end to living on different continents, when he says he’ll get divorced but nothing happens, when he promise not to contact his ex and he still does etc etc etc…
All this makes you fall back all over again. You feel low. You get anxious. You feel depleted. The only thing that matters, is to bring him back again.
But I want to invite you to go DEEPER:
So take a look right now at what you SAY you want.
Do you say you want to live in pain? Longing? Loneliness?
Most women say, “of course not! I want a relationship. I just want him to love me.”
OR do you say that you want companionship, feeling safe, feeling heard, feeling valued & loved? Consistently?
Get really clear with yourself - how do you really feel in this relationship?
If you’re feeling ANYTHING than great - please read on! Because this will change your destiny.
To STOP attracting unavailable men, you have to start by choosing YOU.
What does that mean, choosing yourself?
It means: Don’t stay around someone that makes you feel “not enough”. (This is the man who’s prioritising other things above you in different ways)
Don’t stay around a man who’s “not sure” about where things are going (this is the man who “wants to go with the flow”)
Don’t stay around a man who’s action are not aligned with his words (this is a man who says he’ll move to your place or marry you, but never takes action).
Don’t stay around a man who clearly shows that his values and moral compass is OFF. ( this goes for a man who’s already married or with another woman).
It’s as simple - and as complicated - as that….<3
NOW - the absolutely best way of dealing with this and rewrite your story and change the way you experience love is to do something different and become Confidently Feminine within YOURSELF:
Learning to RECEIVE love and be confident that you WILL receive love.
This includes saying NO to the things that you don't want in your life, and instead saying yes to the things that you DO want in your life!
This includes saying NO to this man if he can’t give you the relationship you want.
(In my Love Transformation program I’ll teach you exactly how to do this so that it doesn’t feel so scary and in a way that will inspire him to step up and claim you - IF he’s at all able. A way that makes him realise he’ll LOSE you if he doesn’t step up)
This is where the Healing begins.
Often enough the reason we continue to engage with that unavailable man is that the feelings reflects the relationship we had with our caregivers growing up.
Example:
If your dad abandoned you when you were little or if he was emotionally unavailable or if he was more interested in one of your siblings than you - then chances are big that you will look for a man where you can repeat this pattern.
We do it because we believe that this is what love should feel like.
I know it sounds weird that we’re maybe believing that love should feel like being abandoned or being neglected, or being second in someone else's life. It’s like we think we can rewrite our past if we can just make this one man who is now unavailable to come and be with us.
So we choose the “bad man” instead of those who COULD love us, deeply. When we meet GOOD men, we say things like “there is no chemistry”, “all these men are so boring”, “I will never find someone as good as X”.
This is where I want you to pay close attention. When you hear that voice inside - that's your clue. This is a voice, a belief and a pattern from the past. You have to relearn what real love looks like.
You’ll have to learn that real love is the type of love that comes from genuine care and a willingness to understand you.
A love that is reciprocated.
What I wish for you instead is a man who's honest, generous and open.
Someone who's got a purpose in this world and who's wanting a woman by his side to help him live his purpose so that he can provide for you and protect you.
Someone who's seeking partnership & who’s seeking security over the thrill.
Someone who is trustable & safe & God loving.
To find these men, you will have to be open to receive.
You will have to open yourself up to receive the good stuff from a man and that's where your feminine energy comes in, because feminine energy is the still, open, vulnerable energy of receiving.
You can't receive anything from a man if you're all up in your head thinking, doing, talking, taking action all the time.’
That's all masculine energy and this type of energy is just going out from you.
It’s a giving energy. it's transmitting out from you and going towards him instead of vice versa.
And the stronger this energy is from you, the less he will feel inspired to give to you and the less he will be able to give to you because your masculine energy is stronger than his.
So in order to start rewriting your story and start receiving a good man and change the pattern of unavailable men, you have to open yourself up to receive from someone who is actually a masculine energy giver.
You stop saying yes to someone who’s not available.
No matter how charming he is or how gorgeous he is or how kind he is.
No matter how much he promises you that he loves you and that he will commit to you one day - you say no to what you don’t want, and you open yourself up to new men.
And if a new unavailable man shows up on your radar - you just decide that you won't even go there.
You won't even have a conversation for just one minute with a new man who’s unavailable in any sense.
As soon as you see that he's unavailable in one form of another- you just say no.
That is setting a clear boundary and when you start doing that the universe will send you a new type of man.
And this way when you start saying no to the things that you actually don't want like not engaging in conversation with men who are unavailable and instead you set a boundary for yourself, you’ll slowly become Confidently Feminine and able to receive real, true love & romance.
You’ll stop the painful cycles for good and go into your Confidently Feminine era where you learn how to step into your feminine energy, feel your way through to what actually feels good.
This way you learn to detach and rewire your whole nervous system & become the woman who can have any man she likes.